KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE (2017) Review

by on September 26, 2017

in Entertainment, movie reviews

Kingsman Golden Circle movie review

A sad movie review for Kingsman: The Golden Circle. I came into this film with unusually high expectations. I normally don’t build myself up for sequels, and this film reminded me why. It opens with a splash bang of action and closes the same way, but the middle two-thirds tries your patience, unless you like slapstick-like humor.

– – –

The cast includes Taron Egerton, Julianne Moore, Jeff Bridges, Mark Strong, Channing Tatum***, Colin Firth, Elton John, & Edward Holcroft. This sequel is once again directed by Matthew Vaughn, off a dribble of a script by Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn. It runs two hours and 21 minutes, which is almost 90 minutes too long.

***Early WARNING: See my warning later on in this review about how much/little time Tatum is in the film.

Kingsman The Secret Service on DVD, etc.

Of course, there are mild spoilers included here…

The Golden Circle takes place a year after the events of the first film. Eggsy has taken Harry’s place in the super-secret British spy service. He’s shacking up with the princess he saved from the last film (Hanna Alström), you know, the one who offered him butt sex if he saved the world and rescued her. But the opening act doesn’t spend too much time dwelling on events of the last year.

Eggsy gets attacked by an ex-washout of The Kingsman, and he has a bionic arm. The action and chase scene is as epic as one might expect from a thrilling spy film ripped right from the pages of a comic book, (You know the film is based off a comic book, right?) as he defeats his foe. But in so doing, after ripping off his bionic arm, boots him to the street, leaving the arm in the car, which remotely hacks the computer in the car and gets all the locations of the Kingsmen agents. She uses this information to launch a lot of missiles on their homes and headquarters.

Then The Golden Circle strikes, delivering a horrifying disease around the world, via recreational drugs. They hold the U.S. hostage, negotiating with the President (Bruce Moore), but all he sees is a win-win. He is going to pretend to negotiate, while letting all the drug users die, killing off “criminals,” and undermining The Golden Circle’s business base, thus, destroying both fronts of the drug wars.

At the time of the missile attacks, Eggsy was at dinner with his girlfriend’s parents, sparing him from the death by missile, forcing Eggsy and Merlin (Mark Strong) go into hiding and have to sort out what to do, falling back on an emergency doomsday plan, which hooks them up with their American counterparts, The Statesmen! Who sell liquor, which is how they fun their operations. With their help, hunt down Poppy (Moore), the crazy beotch behind the entire scheme.

And thus my test of endurance and will-power ensues… as I’ve just about outlined the first hour of the film! No, probably… I didn’t time it, but yea, that opening act took forever.

– – –

The Golden Circle starts off with a bang but then takes about an hour to set our heroes in motion in going after the bad guys. Then it takes another half-hour to catch up with the crazy woman, and in between, well, it wasn’t the Kingsmen I was expecting. And that was my fault for expecting something good from a sequel.

It felt like forever to get going, then when they meet the Statesmen, you have to tolerate the over-the-top representation of secret agents who are ramped up cowboys. Drawls and all. Sigh.

When the first Kingsman came out in 2015, it was a fresh face of fun as we met and watched Colin Firth unleashing his inner ass-kicking secret agent. It was a pure pleasure to watch the testing of the students and to experience Eggsy (Taron Egerton) coming out of his inner-shell and shining as a Kingsmen.

There was none of that in Golden Circle. Instead, it was just a ramped up, glorified excuse to…

-Watch Eggsy, with close up finger-vision grope a woman in bed to plant a homing device in her Va-jayjay, because that’s the only way the bug worked. For some, it was probably in a near too-graphical format.

-Then there was Poppy’s new henchman, forced to eat a burger made from a recently-deceased peer that he himself put in the meat grinder. So we had cannibalism.

-And a lot of F-bombs, but those seemed well placed in the moments they were enunciated out.

-Eggsy’s ability to shake off his dog getting killed in the missile attack is near miraculous, but then happy to have it almost instantly replaced by a new puppy.

-Jumping in a sewer full of shit is pretty impressive… but was it necessary?

-Oh, and now it’s OK to get shot in the eye/brain! The Statesmen have a head wrap that can fix all that! Which, in a roundabout way, is how Firth’s character survived getting shot in the head in the last film.

Juliane Moore had a good part, but as a crazy drug lord who is jealous that business tycoons can brandish their success and her deliberation with the President includes legalizing drugs and having them taxed properly.

*** If you are going to see the film because Channing Tatum is in it, DON’T! DO NOT GO SEE CHANNING TATUM in The Golden Circle. Almost his entire role on-screen is already in the trailers. Seriously, he’s got about 10 or so minutes and a stupid-ass western drawl portraying an idiot spy. The only reason I can imagine he’s in the marketing is a decoy draw for some fans.

– – –

The first half of the opening act and the last half of the third act is where most of the action is while the middle act filler attempts to build story with languishing male bravado humor. You have over-the-top cowboys with techno-lassos looking like Burt Reynolds, Jeff Bridges reusing his accent/drawl he cranked out for Seventh Son and so on.

I WOULD NOT WASTE your money going to see this. It will be just fine if you wait until it comes to a premium pay cable channel or as a four-hour event (with a million ads) on FX or TNT or wherever. Because frankly, The Golden Circle was just an excuse to bring the Kingsman brand back to the screen and make Vaughn more money without trying too hard.

The fun that was the first film, it totally gone in this one and it’s a boring popcorn eating adventure in a dark theater.

I’d give it a popcorn 5/10, which is rare when I actually agree with Rotten Tomatoes and disagree with IMDb, but I think a different demographic chose to chime in on IMDb this time around. Because yes, RT gave it a 50% while the IMDb crowd, a 7/10. Damn, I want what they’re smoking.

The only thing that can save this film, is when Honest Trailers get a hold of this piece of… art.

{ 0 comments… add one now }

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: