Princess of Mars on The Syfy Channel Review (Ouch!)

by on June 9, 2010

in Entertainment, movie reviews

Princess of Mars

If anyone out there caught any or all of the movie Princess of Mars on the Syfy Channel last weekend, I pity you. I tuned in for the first 40 minutes (Which would be about 25 less TV ad time) and tuned in for another 20 minutes just before the ending. My thought was that no one can totally ruin the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs. OMG, I was wrong. They say that Princess of Mars inspired James Cameron’s Avatar. If he’d seen this first, he would have done another chapter of Faces of Death. (In 3D of course.)

It starred Antonio Sabato Jr., (Who looks like he’s going to either end his career or took the job on a dare) and Traci Lords (who is looking to legitimize her own acting career… and this wasn’t it.)

With John Carter of Mars coming to theaters in 2012 from real movie makers, this was one of those classic, let’s hurry and beat the big boys to the punch type of films. It felt like Global Asylum took this picture, had a monkey slam on a typewriter for a day or two, had their ecclectic and hyperactive pet sloth dictate blocking in the scenes and just drank heavily when they made this thing and the shaky toothed monster masks. It doesn’t even qulaify as schlock.

Princess of Mars Monster

Princess of Mars Monster, where their teeth wobbled when they talked

If Princess of Mars was designed to make any other Syfy Original movie look good… I mean real good, it did its job well!

From explanations that get shoved in your face so they can then eject you into some random scene, to scenes where the hero poses hero-like before taking any action, it was hard to watch. Hell, even the editing missed a beat during one battle where Sabato Jr. was wearing a slave collar for most of the fight, suddenly he had no slave collar, then the fight ended and he had a slave collar on.

I think that for me, was the highlight of the movie. The magic slave collar.

Princess of Mars with Traci Lords

Princess of Mars with Traci Lords as the angry Princess

Traci Lords (I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Zack and Miri Make a Porno) has been trying to legitimize her career since leaving her other industry, but her star appeal has either been wasted or destroyed. Playing an angry, one-faced character does NOT help anything, no matter how little you wear!

OK, wait. I’ve been nothing but negative. The good part about Princess of Mars was, um. They used cameras! No, not that well. I think I could have done better than… no, that’s not positive. Ah, the jagged and fragmented writing ended! Oh, wait… there were commercials throughout. Yep, for the first time in my life, I liked commercials. Needless to say, I skipped the middle of the story when I tuned out to watch the action oriented National Spelling Bee over on On Demand.

But how do I really feel? On a scale of 1 to 10, … I’ll give it a “1 out of 10” because the CGI monsters weren’t horrid and if they had won, they would have been doing me a favor! I don’t even recommend this thing as a table coaster! I’ve included the image of the DVD package, more as a warning label than anything else!

You think this is bad, you should see what happens when I hate something!

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Bruce Simmons July 31, 2010 at 3:17 pm

LMAO… we have a poet in the crowd… a dry witted poet, but a poet none-the-less. Ya… it was a painful experience.

Matthew Currie July 31, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Watching SyFy’s adaptation of “A Princess Of Mars” (one of my favorite books as a kid) is like watching one of your old childhood toys being brought magically to life… for the express purpose of being tortured to death by Satan-worshipping Nazi zombies. Slowly.

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