The following is a Cinema Static Fantasy Retrospect on how life might really look like for the vigilante superhero who has to deal with the realities of life while trying to lead a dual life. It ain’t like being Tony Stark in Iron Man. Not by a long shot! But there are some cool resemblances to the new movie coming out, Kick Ass. Though to be honest, I had been scribbling the outline for this thing for months before going live with it, my timing with Kick Ass seems suspicious, even to me. LOL. My subconscious working for me I guess!
If you really think about it, being a superhero isn’t as much glam, fun and excitement as these 2-hour fantasy movies make them out to be. Honest. When the movie is over, the hero goes back to leading a normal life. They have to work, eat & pay bills. Depending on their special abilities, they have to work at hiding them. If the hero slips up or intentionally needs to use their powers in front of people, they either have to get the heck out of there or explain it off as a fluke or lucky moment. Basically, the true superhero never ever takes any credit for anything and plays the middle of the social road.
Let’s look at some details that you might not have considered when it comes to being a superhero.
The Costume
Holding back your talents, or tendencies is nothing compared to what kind of outfit or suit the superhero might consider wearing. Think about it… tights? Really? If you live in the New England region you’re going to freeze to death in February? OK, maybe the Yellow leotard looking Power Ranger can get away with it.
Iron Man has yellow parts, but that’s so different!!! Capes don’t work either, no matter how they’re portrayed. They get under foot at all the wrong times, though I do love some artist’s renditions of cape behavior. It does look super cool.
But when in costume, how do you get to and from any crime scene? Flaming yellow leotards don’t help you blend in if you’re looking to sneak into a crime-scene or making a clean get-a-way afterward if you look like a frigging candle.
A hero needs something rugged and protective. Trench coats are more practical and can take a beating. Blade has it right with his get-up. Just plain old practical.
While we’re talking costume, a lot of superhero facial disguises just don’t work. Goggles and hoods get twisted up in your face and come off. Not practical. Making raccoon masks with face paints work best. And don’t even ponder a chest emblem. It’s like setting up a target saying, “shoot here!”
Your Gear
Just what kind of gear do you imagine yourself facing an opponent with? OK, great. Now imagine scuffling and rolling around on the ground while having that strapped to your waist or back. Or better yet, try to traverse the city either by foot and blend in.
If you’re thinking “utility belts,” they suck when you land on your back. They dig in hard and they bruise, unless they break when you land on the cool compartments.
Stuff hanging from your belt also tends to flail around and again, when you hit the ground, it’s in the way. Whatever gear you pack to the scuffle, needs to be super light and you need to be MacGyver-like so you don’t have to bring too much. Imagine yourself trudging through the city lugging a brightly colored shield like Captain America, or a staff or some other assortment of goodies. You just aren’t going to look legal unless you can fly and then the police helicopter will be sent after you… or, um, so I assume they would go after you.
I think that Daredevil has the right approach with the billy clubs. But I can’t afford the fancy things that shoot lines. Have you ever tried to snag something with a whip or line? The ends wrap around something but the momentum makes it uncoil. Not practical… plus carrying all that coil or cord… nah. Too much weight.
I think some plain old billy clubs and a nice 6 ft whip can work wonders, if you can manage the whip. Billy clubs are non-lethal and cheap to replace or make. Whips aren’t expensive either. The crack of a whip is the tip breaking the sound barrier. Indiana Jones makes the use of whips look feasible. Of course, Iron Man is going to be on the receiving end of an electrified whip, and Beck, played by The Rock in The Rundown, was on the end of a whip wielding villain.
Collateral Damage
If you’re in a scuffle, you usually see nothing else but the dirt bag in front of you. And that, my friend, could be your biggest mistake! You need to be aware of everything and everyone around you so no innocent bystanders don’t get hurt! Plain and simple, when the superhero steps into a situation, they need to take control of situations and know all the nuances. And bystanders can have silly behavior. All joking aside, I watched a police chase come to an end, and the bad guy in the middle of the street was wielding a gun and onlookers gathered on the street around the scene. Real bright folks… but it’s silly things like that a superhero has to worry about.
The press and the blogosphere have long memories and they keep your mistakes alive. Especially if you’re running around looking like a bright-ass yellow candle in your yellow spandex!
Is This Day To Day?
So tell me, do you think that all their days are filled with crime fighting? Nah… and it’s just as well not. You see, a hero does need a job to pay the bills. Hero work is pro-bono unless he’s the Comedian from the Watchmen and is hired as a mercenary. Most “heroes” need the 9-5 grind to pay for the tools and suits and training. And unless they’re from another planet gifted with some cool powers, wear a sweet suit of armor, they need to workout most days. Whether it be strength training, yoga, martial arts.
All so that maybe once a year or so, when the superhero encounters a crime, they can stop it and minimize injury.
So there ya have it… on-screen, things are cool for a few hours, but after that, a superhero’s life is rather mundane and filled with logistical nightmares.
I hope you enjoyed this fictional fan-retrospect from Cinema Static.
