Transmorphers: The Fall Of Man on Syfy – A Retrospective Review

by on February 16, 2010

in Entertainment

Transmorphers The Fall of Man on Syfy

Transmorphers The Fall of Man on Syfy

This tongue-in-cheek review of Transmorphers: The Fall of Man brings me back to the days.  As a child, do you remember playing make-believe superhero or action hero?  Do you remember when you were looking for a fight, or needed a bad guy, you just imagined them walking up to you and you took it from there.  Or just appearing so you can thrash on them in your make-believe?

That’s exactly how Syfy’s Saturday night movie, Transmorphers: The Fall of Man was last Saturday night.  And that was the good stuff.

The movie opens with a woman being attacked by her cell phone, just out of the blue.  It just happens.  No background, no seeing how it got there, just BAM!  The girl puts her cell phone down and it spreads open into a little metal spider that wraps itself around her face.  So we’ve already experienced Transformers meets Aliens.  Cool.  Sure

So right now, the movie is at a 1b*.

Did I mention the acting was flatter than my desk top?  Without moving her head one iota, the first victim manages her lines before dying.  I see why her cell phone killed her.  It was burning to death from bad dialog delivery.

Then we are introduced to one of our primary female characters… dressed up in retro 60’s garb.  I think the wardrobe department ran out of money… before they began.  To be more exact, I think they spent their money on the robot software and Bruce Boxleitner.  Bruce, Bruce, Bruce… what ARE you doing in this.

Transmorphing Satellite Dish

Transmorphing Satellite Dish

We watch a well armed satellite repairman try to tackle a satellite dish turned robot… I’d be nervous if my satellite provider sent armed service men, but I think that was one of those magically placed guns to help the scene!

I think Bruce is looking for the writers

I think Bruce is looking for the writers

The only minimal hope for this movie was Bruce Boxleitner… but naw, not even he has the power to save the project.  While he’s talking to his on-screen niece, critical characters walk up to them in the middle of the park to introduce themselves…  LOL.  More magic characters, if you can imagine NSA & Homeland Security Reps just stepping into a scene to start talking business out in the open.

People, I need more beer because we’re up to a 3b now.*.

At one point, Boxleitner’s niece freaks out about the alien invasion and he asks her boyfriend to calm her down… so he starts talking to her about why he never called while he was in the military.

Here’s a classic I don’t think I’ll ever forget:  An alien robot controlled SUV rams the cop car from behind and the cop gets on the radio and calls in that he’s in pursuit!

Then in one massive explanation, which got lost on me, I did manage to catch that this was somehow all related to Roswell and the Pyramids.  Awesome, they’re pulling in every potential mystical & mystery angle they can…  I’m just waiting for some angle from The Vampire Diaries to pop up!

The movie was so bad, that somewhere past halfway, Boxlietner flies a helicopter into a giant robot, blowing himself up.  Free from the movie.  Lucky bastard!

The acting was so bad, that I had to start thinking that what has really happened is that they’ve asked the actor to act bad, so it must be good acting…  it’s the only thing I can come up with.

BTW, somewhere near the mid-point of the … “movie,” they think they beat them…  by removing all technology from the human race so there’s nothing here for them… except they forgot this one girl with a pace maker…  it bursts out of her chest.

So…

While uncle Boxleitner is dead, and lots of aliens are in space coming to earth,  the young couple have a romp…  omg, they’re throwing a love interest into this….  I’m up to 4b now.*  My brain is now permanently scarred with this mixed imagery.

My 2nd favorite scene in the movie came when a few characters were cowering behind the cover of something insignificant to be cover, and one of them says:

I see nothing but death.

And another character replies:

Stay strong, you have to survive this.“  (I think they’re talking about the movie!)

To show the total destruction all about them, the scene pans to the blue sky with a few clouds.  I am so serious on that one!  I’m up to 5b.*

In The End

In the end, I give Transmorphers: The Fall of Man a 5.  WHAT?  In this case, that’s how many beers it took, or that I was driven to, to get through the movie.

This Syfy original hit some new lows that I don’t remember ever seeing come from their off-world production companies.  This really was a sad thin copy of a Transformers movie…  and just when I thought recovery was on the line, they advertised their other seriously ripped-off theme movie, Terminators.  On the bright side, Transmorphers made Terminators look good.

Heck, even this looks good, but that might be the total lack of lighting:

– – –

And this is ALL the best parts of Transmorphers: The Fall of Man:

– – –

PS:  The 49 second mark, is the BIG, defeat-the-enemy finale.  (Sorry, but I hope that didn’t spoil the entire movie.)

Why?

The reason I ended up watching the whole movie was because I had actually burned the popcorn in the microwave.  My advice to all…  DON’T.  When you burn popcorn, the stink and smoke actually merges with the plastic of the inside of the microwave.  It doesn’t come out in a day, or, at this point, almost a week later.  I’ve tried all the suggestions online that I’ve found…  but no amount of vinegar, water and lemon, boiled and steamed, helps.  Neither did the box of baking soda.  I blame Transmorphers.  The fall of this man, as he battled the burnt popcorn, is now officially recorded.

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